Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day of gratitude and connection, but for many of us, it鈥檚 anything but that.
It鈥檚 a holiday that can be stressful; complex family dynamics often become a powder keg when we gather around the table for turkey and stuffing.
So, what do you do if you think you just can鈥檛 handle another Thanksgiving with your family? How do you prepare for it?
鈥淎 lot of these people that you see at Thanksgiving are people that you love,鈥� said Jeff Guenther, a licensed therapist based in Portland, Oregon, who goes by Therapy Jeff on TikTok and Instagram.
鈥淪o, if somebody says something to you and you feel like it鈥檚 provoking you and you don鈥檛 want to get into it, then you should plan different things to say like, 鈥業 love you too much to argue with you today,鈥� or, 鈥榃ow, we see that very differently. Pass the potatoes,鈥欌�� Guenther said.
It鈥檚 also important to remember that you aren鈥檛 going to be able to change anyone鈥檚 mind if hot-button issues like politics come up, Guenther says.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e not going to change anyone鈥檚 core belief system between the appetizer and pumpkin pie,鈥� he said. 鈥淵ou think you might, but your uncle is also trying to change your opinion, and he鈥檚 not going to be successful, just like you鈥檙e not going to be successful in changing his. So, the goal today is mostly survival and maybe connection if it鈥檚 offered in a genuine way, not conversion.鈥�
5 tips with Therapy Jeff
Try 鈥榞ray rocking.鈥�
鈥淕ray rocking was actually created for people that needed to be around folks that had a narcissistic personality disorder, but it also works for Thanksgiving family members. So gray rocking is when you are just deliberately as boring, uninteresting and unresponsive as a gray rock, basically. So, when a difficult family member tries to provoke you or fish for a reaction 鈥� you know who those family members are 鈥� you give them nothing. You become like a brick wall. So essentially, you鈥檙e using one-word answers. You just say, 鈥極K,鈥� or 鈥楾hat鈥檚 interesting.鈥� Like you鈥檙e intentionally being the most boring person in the room, so that they lose interest and move on to someone else.
鈥淚f [people are] genuinely interested in you and want to talk about something that feels really neutral or fun or positive, then you don鈥檛 have to be a gray rock. But if you feel like they鈥檙e baiting you when it comes to politics or your core beliefs or values that are important to you, you turn into a gray rock.鈥�
Stay in your wise mind.
鈥淥ne of the things that lots of therapists talk about when you go to counseling is figuring out, are you in your wise mind? And the wise mind part of you is located literally in the frontal lobe. It鈥檚 the very logical part of your mind where you can see different perspectives, connect with your compassion.
鈥淥r are you being hijacked by your limbic system, which is run by the amygdala, which is like in your brain stem, right in the back of your brain? And that鈥檚 the fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and that鈥檚 when you feel like there鈥檚 a lot of danger, whether it鈥檚 emotional or physical danger. And usually, we can tell which part of our brain we鈥檙e connected to. If you can basically stay in the wise mind part of your brain and see different perspectives, you鈥檙e OK. If you can鈥檛 see different perspectives and you鈥檙e starting to see red, you鈥檙e not OK. You need to take a break.鈥�
Be helpful and take breaks.
鈥淏eing helpful is one of the best shields. So doing the dishes, clearing the table, doing the errands, so going out of the house and getting more ice, cranberries, whipped cream, it buys you 20 minutes of silence in the car. Do not forget that there鈥檚 probably a children鈥檚 table, and children usually have much better emotional regulation than adults that are talking politics. So, spend time with the kids, go play with the dog. And know that you can always take a break and go to the bathroom. Usually, the bathroom is the only door that actually locks. You should use that lock if you need to.鈥�
Connect with others who may be feeling anxious.
鈥淎 lot of times, just going up to that person and gently naming the emotional state that you see them in is like a really good way to connect with folks. So, you can say, 鈥極h, you鈥檙e feeling really anxious. Do you want to talk?鈥� Or, 鈥業t seems like you鈥檙e feeling a little overwhelmed. Let鈥檚 go outside together and you want to get some air.鈥� Or 鈥楬ave you seen this dog. It is the friendliest dog in the world. Can you play with it with me?鈥� So just sort of like going up and emotionally validating their emotional state. And then giving them a little out or a little way to connect with you is usually a really great way to go.鈥�
Don鈥檛 go to dinner if it feels like too much.
鈥淵ou have permission from a therapist to not attend. I think that, you know, if the cost of admission to Thanksgiving dinner is your mental health or your emotional safety, then the price is just way too high. I also think that the tradition is lovely, but I don鈥檛 think that it should come at the expense of your well-being. And it鈥檚 also OK to start a new tradition this year, even if that tradition is ordering takeout and watching a movie in your pajamas. I feel like that鈥檚 pretty punk rock. There鈥檚 Friendsgiving for a reason. I stopped attending my Thanksgiving, and it basically came down to, it feels a lot better to be around friends I love and who love me and accept me for who I am.
鈥淚 always felt incredibly disconnected from my family of origin, and I oftentimes saw that I was turning into a completely different person in order to earn their love or attention, and there was nothing I could do in order to please them. And so 鈥� when I decided to stay home 鈥� I moved from [Los Angeles] to Portland about 20 years ago, but 10 years ago I decided to not attend Thanksgiving, and it was one of the most liberating, peaceful times I鈥檇 ever had, and I never went back.鈥�
This interview was lightly edited for clarity.
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produced and edited this interview for broadcast with . Raphelson also adapted it for the web.
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